I experience life through the small details. The slight change in body language, the varied tone of voice, the change in someone’s eyes displaying their true feelings, even if fleeting. It’s so beautiful and yet so exhausting and overwhelming. It even applies outside of assessing these details in humans. When I recall events from memory I remember what someone is wearing, even from just passing them in the street. I remember cars I pass, their colour make and model. I remember reg plates. If I see someone running alone at night I could easily describe them down to the small details. If I hear a noise at night, without thinking, I check the time and commit it to my memory.
During these nearly 2 years of isolation where I spend large amounts of time in bed alone I’ve become shielded from experiencing life this way 100% of the time. Simply because my interaction with the world and humans is so limited. It means that when I do experience the world and social situations they are even more overwhelming and exhausting.
But it truly is beautiful and in some ways is beneficial to helping me understand others. I witness the joy and love in someone’s eyes, the softness and yet glistening brightness all at the same time. I can register when someone is happy, sad, angry or anxious without them uttering a word. Because I feel it too, deeply. I feel others pain and their joy. It’s how I’ve learned to understand and experience the world. It’s also why I don’t love large social gathering, because I feel everything. It makes me closed off with social anxiety because there is only so much the human body and mind can process and carry.
So I get overwhelmed. But I’m working hard to make life more accessible for me. I bought myself some earplugs. You’re probably thinking an eye mask would be better but my sunglasses truly help a lot on that front! But I not the bullet and ordered some Koop earplugs. They reduce sound by up to 18db, particularly that constant background noise. Allowing me to just hear myself and those in my vicinity. So I can engage in conversation without being overwhelmed by everything else going on around me.
And let me tell you they are so fucking great. I’ve always been overwhelmed by sound. In a restaurant setting I can’t hear what those around me are saying clearly so I often can’t participate in conversations properly because I have to rely on lip reading. Another reason I close off during large social groups. But now the background chatter is reduced and I can better hear what others are saying. Enough that I don’t have to rely on lip reading all the time but when I do it’s more accurate.
I’m using my walking stick more. If means I get to walk a little further, a little faster and with a lot less chance of falling. It’s also helps me maintain balance which in turn reduces the impact walking has on my pain. I feel much more confident meaning I’m actually going out a little more rather than restricting myself to just seeing people in our homes.
I’m turning down my usual easy, lazy, convenient lunches for hams and cheese from the polish deli. I’m switching some of my sugar binges for fruit. Not all, I’m not healed or going to pretend I’ve overcome my sweet tooth. It’s all little steps to achieving progress. I’ve a little more energy, I’m enjoying what I eat more and life is just that little bit more bearable.
All these small changes were made while my therapist was away for a few weeks. All these changes were made when I was extremely unwell. My therapist went away and I was devastated and absolutely certain I wouldn’t be able to cope. But it gave me and opportunity to fight for myself and make changes because I decided I needed to, not because I was guided or told.
I stood my ground and ensured I was heard during multiple healthcare appearances. I made my needs and concerns heard and I said no, that’s not good enough anymore.
I’ve got a long way to go, especially in terms of getting a true life back. But I’ve been working away behind the scenes and giving myself what I need to make this meaningless existence more tolerable.
I also wanted to note that while I haven’t posted many journals on my blog of late I have still been writing. I’ve said before my blog would be honest and I would hide nothing. That is still true, but we all get thoughts that we don’t share. Many of my recent journals are like that. I don’t think there’s anything in them that I’m ashamed of as such, but as I pass through this journey with all it’s difficult moments there are some thought processes that I don’t wish to burden others with. Some thoughts just aren’t for others to bare. Maybe I’ll share them at some point, but for now some inner workings should stay private.