Month: May 2024

Thieves and fun.

Today is a good day. Things have been pretty dark and heavy of late. It’s been a lot to deal with, family health scares, my grandmas decline, Bellas decline. It’s just been a lot of stress and I’ve been feeling constantly at capacity and overwhelmed. Today felt light.

Wednesday I had to have an emergency therapy session. Like I really HAD to have it. But today, Bella had the vets (also last minute) and she’s fine. Her extra crying isn’t pain, it’s anxiety and dementia dramatics. So we’re adding a supplement and will see how she gets on over the next month. This was a huge relief, I really thought I was going to be having a harder conversation with the vet that I was not ready for, but feared Bella was. She isn’t. Afterwards, she tore through the pet shop and I ended up with an arm full of bits we likely didn’t need, but she’s mischievous and kept taking things off the shelf. In my euphoric state I just couldn’t bear to say no. She doesn’t play with toys and never has, but she ran off with a hideous pig and then a bag of sausages. So I added a shuffle mat and some low cal treats to try and add more enrichment activities to her day. Then she tried to manipulate a little boy into giving her a box of fish food he was carrying and I had to (literally) drag her away from the Guinea pigs she was trying to drool over. This is NOT how she used to behave, she’s always been well mannered and has never been a thief, but that’s dementia for you. And to tell you the truth, I thoroughly enjoyed our journey round the shop because she was having a great time and I just can’t help but laugh at her childish antics sometimes.

I got home and set up the mat for her, which Pru happily tried to join in with. Snuffle mat was a hit but took less than a minute to empty – shock! Then I spent the afternoon with Darcy. A last minute coffee date which I didn’t realise how much I needed. It was nice to just get away for few hours, with my good mood, and just be normal and catch up and laugh and play with Bear. Darcy always manages to make me feel normal and in my state that’s an incredible rare feeling, but she also reminds me that I get to laugh and have fun. I’m still deserving of that, and I’m so lucky to have the friends I do who remind me of this.

I really do feel like today has been lovely and full of more positive experiences and news. I’ve come home and had myself a little rest before we decide what to do for dinner.

At the beginning of the week we went through something scary and that has left me with in a bit of a state. It’s turned out ‘ok’ but I am still dealing with panic attacks and flash backs. But today they felt less controlling and that has helped make today feel lighter and like I could finally breathe without this pressure in my chest and weight on my shoulders. It also helped that my pain was around a 4-5/10 for most of the day.

I really needed a day like today. A glimmer of hope and joy. A reminder that even when everything seems to be going wrong or like the world is conspiring against us, there are still good days and good moments if you’re willing to let them in. Even more if you open yourself up to accept help, love and support from those around you.

The circle of life.

Right now I am fully at capacity and falling into old habits of bottling everything up and trying to make sure I don’t spill my situations and emotions on other people.

My grandma is deteriorating and slowly transitioning from this life to the next. It’s incredibly painful to watch and have such up and down visits with her. I will of course keep visiting because those fleeting moments of the Grandma I know are so valuable and I will savour every one of them. I also want to be there for her, for what is likely an incredibly scary time. Even when she tells me I shouldn’t have to see her this way, I will, because she’s my Grandma and I love her. And I’ll keep visiting so she remembers that.

So at the moment I am just incredibly worn out from keeping family up to date, facilitating visits and visiting myself or being with Dad and Tash during appointments.

On top there is the situation with my own health. I had a call a few days ago from Neurology to say my neurologist ‘doesn’t want to wait any longer to see me’ and I have an appointment on Monday morning. I haven’t even had an appointment through for my CT scans yet, and you’d think the waiting list for those would be significantly less than the ones for neurology. So I’m of course a little apprehensive, maybe even a little scared. I know I need to find out what’s going wrong with my body, and it’s a relief that the healthcare system finally wants that too. But to skip the queue like this makes me worry.

And then there’s Bella. My sweet, sweet girl who seems to be on a steep downwards trajectory. Her tantrums are intense and when she’s not throwing one she is needy or crying. I don’t know if she’s crying in pain or what she’s trying to tell me. The check up and bloods were only a month or less back so I don’t think it’s anything more than a dementia decline. But I am terrified that we’re getting close to her telling me she’s ready. And I am absolutely not ready.

I am too scared to feel any of these things because of really do think they will consume me. I’m scared of where I might find myself, but at the same time the sadness, grief, worry and anger are already consuming me. I’m permanently overwhelmed and feeling absolutely awful at all times. But I still can’t seem to open those doors to start the processing. I guess I’m scared that if I open them I won’t be able to pull myself out again.

So that’s where I’m at. That’s why I’m quiet, that’s why I’m not engaging. It’s one of the realities that regardless of my life coming to a stop 3 years ago, every thing else carries on. The normal circle of life continues and I have to somehow find the strength within me to cope with that as well.