Month: December 2025

Who am I?

Monday I had a call with Natalie from Access Community Mental Health. They’re just one of the services I’ve had to sign up to in order to get MH support that my doctors won’t provide. However, Natalie is lovely and even though we talk about crappy things, we also laugh and share book recommendations or talk about silly things as well. 

But Monday I tried explaining how I’m currently feeling, not just around my health but also around when my MH is feeling quite bad. My answer was:

“I feel like I’m living someone else’s life, with someone else’s feelings, wondering when and how I can get back to my own script.” 

When I saw the MH team at A&E, they wrote that I have dissociative tendencies, which, given my above statement, is pretty accurate. But it’s been going around my head and so I felt it was probably something worth trying to write about. 

Imposter syndrome is intense for many people, especially sick and disabled people. Our internalised ableism can be overwhelming at times. I’m forever thinking I’m not disabled enough for that level of support. The truth is that if you just looked at me, I don’t look like I’m disabled or sick. Well, maybe sometimes I look sick, my face displays my pain quite often. But it’s not until I start walking or I explain my health that it becomes apparent that I am in fact quite unwell and pretty disabled too. 

Yet, even after four and a half years, when I start walking it’s still a shock when I take that first step and realise my legs don’t work quite like they’re supposed to or I’m wobbly. I get out my car, take a step and think “oh shit, I forgot about that”. Every. Single. Time. 

My MH doesn’t feel like it’s my mental health. When I have a breakdown (I had a very cathartic one last Tuesday) it doesn’t feel like it’s me breaking down, again it’s like I’m in someone else’s mind. Maybe that’s a coping mechanism, maybe it’s a learned behaviour. The constant internal analysis of asking if I’m disabled enough or sick enough, or unstable enough, simply because when you’re sick and disabled it’s all you get asked when you’re asking for support. Doctors, consultants and DWP assessors constantly question your disability or illness, so is it really such a shock that I ask myself the same things?

The worst part is that DWP assessors have a reputation for being harsh, unsympathetic and sometimes even cruel in their judgement. Yet, it’s the one place that hasn’t dismissed my disability or illness level. In fact, they’re generally shocked that I manage to do anything at all, particularly driving (but we all know I worked very hard to regain that part of my independence). 

But I think the reason I doubt myself is because it’s been almost impossible for me to get help in many areas. I’ve been trying to get MH support from my GP since May, but it’s always a closed door. Now I have support from Access to Community Mental Health, but that’s only 6 weekly sessions. I’m on a waitlist for a counselling service local to me, it’s a 3 month wait. I referred myself to MIND in October and I’m currently chasing them because I haven’t had any acknowledgment of my referral and I’ve had an initial assessment with Turning Point to help me come off my pregabalin. Again, the doctors prescribed the medication but don’t have the facilities to support patients who suffer withdrawals when trying to come off it. It’s a wonder why these charities are so strained! 

I’m tired of the fighting and currently I’m doing as much as I can cope with. On top of chasing these referrals, I have a FND specialist referral, another pain clinic referral and I’m doing lots of daily practices to keep my MH stable while I wait for the support from these charities. I use my phone less and instead have a mindfulness workbook of simple puzzles, I’m meditating again which is really nice, I’m using muscle testing to identify and clear trapped emotions every night before bed and I’m also using tapping both morning and night. They all help, but it’s hard work keeping up and they use most of my energy each day. But I’d really like to keep myself in a more stable place and to maintain being able to sleep better so I will keep going because I don’t want to feel crappy! 

I just wonder at what point I’ll start feeling like I’m in my own body and whether that will help or hinder my progress. When will I stop questioning my own health and disability? When will I feel like I’m me again?

Perhaps the answer is that in time, and with patience and grace, my body and mind will feel safe enough to stop disassociating. Perhaps the answer is to stop trying to run before I can walk and stop listening to my mind when she’s being a bit of a bitch.

Never end on a bad set.

I often write about the things I’m struggling with, largely because this is when I need to write the most. It’s cathartic; if I can get my thoughts out of my head and onto the notes in my phone then they appear, and feel, far less insurmountable. It’s also because, in general, each day is a struggle in one way or another. That’s the trouble with chronic illnesses and dynamic disability – if it’s not one thing it’s another, and something I could do yesterday my body won’t allow today. 

However, I’m coming to write about good things. It’s no shock to say I’ve been struggling a lot lately, but the support I’ve received has been phenomenal and overwhelming. One such example of this support was from a friend and bloody lovely lady, Caroline, who listened to my whining without judgement and, as she does, she knew the exact combination that would help me in a specific area: sleep. 

My sleep has been tragically awful, non-restorative and continuously disrupted by my own body. But, a conversation, a little reading and some new tools has seen me sleep through night for most nights since Monday. For reference, I haven’t had a full night sleep in months, so it’s likely not entirely surprising that I’ve been battling with my mind and my emotions so much. 

As a consequence to the success of Caroline’s advice, I’ve managed to go out into town for a little shopping not once, but TWICE this week. I’m sure for most people reaching a shop is normal, you don’t need to think about it too much or plan it. But this is the first time since I had my adverse reaction that I have been able to do my Christmas shopping in person, rather than the very anticlimactic, yet convenient, online shopping. Imagine the last time you physically went Christmas shopping being 2020, and even then it was limited due to lock downs. 

Today’s shopping trip was particularly successful on the whole, though some experiences were disappointing. We started with our local TK Maxx, however they have crammed so much into their shop for Christmas that I kept finding myself having to reverse out of aisles because I couldn’t reach the end due to a stack of trolleys, or just someone ignorant person not acknowledging my polite request for me to squeeze past them. Some of the aisles were so tight that I’d catch something on a shelf and knock it off – though thankfully nothing breakable was damaged. 

I remembered the advice of my old training coach – never end on a bad set. So while I left TK Maxx feeling like I was an inconvenience and like I was just in everyone’s way by trying to do my own Christmas shopping, I decided I wasn’t going to end the day feeling that way. 

We got back into the car and, while initially I wanted to throw in the towel and go home in my foul mood, I decided I wasn’t done. I’d seen something I really wanted to buy for someone but they didn’t have the right size, and I knew from previous experience that the TK Maxx in Chippenham’s was much bigger and better laid out. So off we went!

What a great decision this turned out to be, not only was I able to go down any aisle without fear of getting stuck, hitting people, knocking things off the shelf or worse – getting a wheel stuck on a shelf and dragging it with me, but also everyone was so damn polite and helpful. 

“Sorry, would it be ok if I just quickly squeezed through?” 

“Of course! I’m so sorry”

Of course their apologies weren’t necessary and more often than not neither were mine – I’m working on it! But I was made to feel welcome not just by TK Maxx and their well thought out interior, but also by the other customers. 

And what a success it was, I managed to get the gift I wanted in the right size, along with some shoes, hats and a purse for me. The double bonus was Next was next door and I also managed to get myself some trousers that’ll be a bit warmer than my linen trousers. We then had a Costa and popped into M&S food next door to treat ourselves to a Cumberland pie for dinner. 

I successfully turned the day around simply because I remembered: never end on a bad set. 

The only unsuccessful part was that I’ve still not managed to find inspiration for something to get my mum to thank her for all she does for me. But otherwise my Christmas shopping is done and I’ve not had to order one thing online. 

Many people will try and convince you that getting a mobility aid is a bad thing, that it’s restrictive, that it’s giving up, or that it’s lazy (if they’re a complete prick!). What a mobility aid actually does is give someone the ability to walk further than they can without out it, to walk with less pain or more stability. For me, using my stick or my wheelchair is freedom. It’s empowering and makes the world more accessible to me (if I go to the right TK Maxx).

Today I learned that being disabled doesn’t make me an inconvenience and that, on good days, I now have the independence to be able to do something as simple as picking up a few Christmas presents and trying on clothes in person to make sure they fit. I also learned that not everywhere will make sure their store is truly accessible, but that’s ok because there will be another store, with nicer people, that does!