Since my CGRP inhibitor jab Friday I’ve been feeling truly awful. It’s amazing that when you think you’re suffering more than you could even imagine, it still manages to become worse.
And then I woke up today, 5 days since my jab and my pain is somewhere between a 6-7 out of 10. For reference, I haven’t had pain below a 7 since February. But I don’t intend on jinxing it, it could just be a random ‘good’ day, and I’ve spent the last 3-4 weeks mostly bed bound. Especially since the jab so perhaps it’s just I’m well rested and so I’m coping better for a day. Tomorrow will be the decider of course.
But it’s nice. I say nice, it’s horrible. I’m still in uncomfortable levels of pain, not feeling up to doing anything but it’s the best of the bad. Prior to Botox I was able to sit and do puzzles on these ‘good’ days. I know, I sound like a little old lady. But finding things that I have the mental capacity and agility to do without significantly increasing my pain is near Impossible. Reading my kindle on the lowest brightness with inverted text is the one activity that has zero bearing on my pain. When I’ve been able to do puzzles I only manage about a couple of hours tops before the increase in pain stops me continuing. But while I sound like a little old lady, it’s finding things like these which make some days a little more bearable. Something to fill my time, break my monotonous days up a little bit. So if that comes at the price of reminding you of your Grandma then so be it.
Because I’d love nothing more than to fill my days with activities I love. Powerlifting, track days, restoring TVRs, hiking for hours with Bella, picnics or bbqs with friends. I’d give anything to be able to fill my time with these things. Because while I’m going through all of this and I’m unable to do these things or work of have any meaningful form of existence all I can think of ‘Christ I need a holiday’. Like when you’ve been so busy with work and you just need a week or two to switch off. I need that too, but aside from my empty bank account, if I did go on holiday my troubles would still follow me. It would just be the same shit in a different location. So that’s my plan when I get better, is to actually take a holiday somewhere, preferably either my plane or somewhere in the UK with Bella. Because I rarely did holidays, even before I got ill. In my adult life I’ve taken 2 holidays. Though thankfully a couple of weeks before my vaccine was the second of those holidays where I spent a week in Scotland with Bella, my brother and his family. Now more than ever I know what I want my life to look like coming out of this. It will consist of taking every moment and opportunity to fill my heart with joy, because I now see it’s the small things that matter to me.
I did try and have a normal day in May. I tried my best even. I turned up at Castle Combe to see old friends at a TVR track day with my dad. Obviously I didn’t have a car, but I tried to enjoy the experience none the less. It was incredible but absolutely not worth the aftermath. I was having a terrible day so I bowed out of going and my dad went alone. As I was sitting home feeling sorry for myself with a heavy dose of FOMO I snapped and grabbed my keys and left without giving it a second thought. Just a quick prayer to the powers that be that I could do the drive to the track.
I surprised my dad by walking into the cafe and joining him for lunch before we did our usual tour through the paddock catching up with old friends. A friend called across the paddock and asked if I brought my lid…I hadn’t. So he grabbed a spare from his van and grabbed me a passenger band and we headed out. It was exhilarating and fantastic to be thrown around the track until the break pedal was getting a bit too long. It’s never the same as being the driver but it was fantastic. I was like a child fulfilling a make-a-wish dream. But if I felt shit before I felt horrendous after. A terrible and painful mistake that I will probably remember for a long time for the immense joy it brought me and how alive I felt in that moment. Thanks Danny Birch 🤙🏽
Track days and car meets are a passion that both my dad and I share. Fixing and restoring cars, slinging them round tracks and going on European track days tours. And of course spending hours going through cheap tool stands at various car shows looking at the same tools that generally end up being a one use disposable hunk of junk. A once regular event on my calendar that turned into one of my many pipe dreams. Like all my old hobbies and interests.
My pipe dreams were once a reality and I know some day they will be my reality again. Except when that happens I know I won’t take a moment for granted. I will also probably cry tears of joy at regular intervals during these activities. Because when they happen again they will mean so much more to me than I ever thought they could.