Today’s not a good day. Neither was yesterday. We’re in a heatwave and that just increases my pain and ability to cope with it. I’d arranged to see my grandma Monday and I had to cancel and suggest Tuesday as an alternative. Then I had to cancel that and it ended up being a phone call on Wednesday instead. This is my life, I don’t get to make plans. I don’t get to schedule even an immediate future because it nearly always has to be cancelled and reorganised. But when my Grandad died just over a week ago, and knowing how precious the time with him was, it makes cancelling on my Grandma that much more of a bitter pill to swallow. Along with a wee capsule of grief and anger.
I’m fortunate to be surrounded by people who understand. Who understand my pain and recognise that these things are out of my control. They’ve seen me push through to keep plans made and the agonising effects pushing through has. It depletes my energy, making it harder to cope with pain. It increases my pain. For everything I do I pay in more pain. I’m also not fully present in the moment, which I truly believe if a waste of their time. If I’m zoning out then that’s not fair. They’ve gifted me with their time and energy and I’m unable to honour that.
That’s probably the hardest part of my circumstances. Not getting quality time with loved ones. Or certainly not enough of it for it to be as meaningful as my soul needs. A couple of hours every couple of weeks is just not nearly enough for me. But a couple of hours every other week is also so vital for me right now. I’m so grateful for being able to have even just that. So while it’s not as much as I’d like, it’s enough to keep me going right now.