Month: August 2022

I realised today as I was going through my old phone backup that I’d lost all my notes from my previous phone. I switched backed to iPhone in January and I’ve lost everything from before then. Aside from photos, which are the most important. I never thought to check that my notes transferred. So I’ve lost all my journals from the last 3 years. Which are arguably the most important journals of my life. 

I started my journey healing my mental health 2 years ago and I became ill and started a whole new journey just over a year ago. 

As a result I was going through places where I knew I’d posted things I’d written. My instagram, one main Facebook post and a fair few posts and videos on a peer support Facebook group. These are the ones I want to talk about. The start of my mindfulness journey, about 6 months of talking about myself and also posts and videos in the aim of helping others. Videos about me, things that I’d implemented to help me cope day to day and things I was learning through reading and podcasts. 

I learnt a lot, including a lot about myself. A chuck of which turned out to be wrong. Reasons why I thought I was where I was. In some cases I was wrong, in others I’d barely scratched the surface. Like for instance I was told the sole cause of my menty b was an imbalance between the left and right side of my brain. It’s a thing but I was absolutely not my thing.

See I turned to mindfulness and meditations to help me find a different path to peace, having realised suicide wasn’t the path I truly wanted. And I still practice mindfulness and meditate daily, it’s a lifelong journey and a powerful tool. But I believe it can also be dangerous when done incorrectly. That’s not to say I skipped a few pages in the instruction manual, but I think when starting a journey of mindfulness and especially starting meditation that it should be done with guidance. Because following 6 months of meditation, occasionally guided but mostly self meditation, I then got put through an NHS CBT online course. And the combination of these things brought me right back to where I was when I was stood on a cliff in a huge storm.

The mind is a powerful place but it can also be dark. Meditating alone, with zero guidance can be terrifying. Without the right tools to cope or process what comes up, all you’ve done is rip open an old scar with no way to stem the bleeding. If you get what I mean. (I didn’t want to say Pandora’s box, it seemed a bit cliche.)

Maybe at some point I’ll put up some of these writings or videos. The ones that I stand by now possibly. Or maybe the ones I don’t too and I can then highlight alongside the corrections or growth I’ve made. See there’s nothing wrong with owning something you got wrong. We’re evolving creatures in many ways, but our views and growth spiritually are the important part of that. Views change, ideals change. Likes, dislikes, opinions change. Heck even our damn taste buds change, but we’re not afraid to admit that are we? Because no one wants to eat something they no longer like. Equally, you don’t have to continue doing things or being someone that isn’t true to your current self. 

Morning, afternoon or evening.

In my last post I wrote about my therapist and I discussing my purpose in life and how to fulfil that given my current limitations. One way to start that was making my blog onymous. Which is what I am doing in and following this post.

My name is Chloe. I also go by Chlo, or Button, if you’re my mum, on account of standing at just 5ft tall. I’m a 29 years old woman who worked as an engineer, competed internationally as a powerlifter. I’m a daughter, sister, best friend and pain in the arse and for these I am proud. For everything I have achieved, endured, conquered and learnt I am proud. With these things I hope to help others.

What I am now is a young woman disabled by a chronic rare illness. Who now spends the bulk of her life confined to the four walls on the house, led in dark rooms. I am still the same person as the first woman, though now I have different knowledge and experiences than before. My existence has changed significantly, along with my quality of life. But I’m still me, inside my soul. I have the same fire and fight to achieve things, though now those things are to survive and find a treatment that works to get my old existence back. Also, when I say survive I don’t mean my condition, I’m not dying. I mean to survive the mental battle it’s brought me into.

My current hobbies include staring at walls, reading my kindle and waiting for bedtime. Most days I have coffee with my dad, I now live with my mum who also kinda cares for me and does the things I can’t. I have a dog, Bella. I’ve had her 9 years and she’s been by my side nearly every night and day of that. I think I’ve only spent a week in total apart from her in all that time. She’s the light of my life and my unofficial therapy dog. Though she does join me in my therapy sessions too.

The main condition that has brought me to where I am is called Hemicrania Continua. It’s as it says on the tin, permanent head pain on one side. I’ve had it since December 2015 and I’ll discuss my journey with this more in another post.

The other main issue I have is depression. This started many years ago and went ignored by me. I thought I just had seasonal depression as I’d usually be a bit lower around Christmas time. This was a lie. I didn’t know I was lying at the time if that helps, I like to think I’m an honest person. My depression got pretty bad late 2019 and the following year was when I really started trying to heal. Again, I will continue that part of my story in another post, because I think it deserves its own page. It’s a very important, wavering and beautiful journey.

So there you have it. That’s me. That’s my bullet points…my rather long bullet points. Now I’ll pad them out bit by bit, with various other little nuggets in between. There may not be a sequence to my posts, as I said before, I never write with an agenda or destination. But I’ll share as I write so you can be as surprised by what’s comes out as I am. Though I expect I will keep my more private writings to myself, to share absolutely everything would leave me feeling to vulnerable I think.

One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide.

My therapist asked me today what I think my purpose in life is. What, outside of everything else going on, do I think I’m here to do.

“I’ve always felt I’m here to help others, that I can and need to.”

And I have. Whether that’s been in the gym helping with technique and basic plans from my experience. Whether it’s been asked for or not. If I’ve seen someone in the gym who could use help with technique I’ve approached and offered to help. It’s why I wanted so badly to join the army or police, because of the burning desire to help someone or something else.

It’s why I sat crying in my therapy today because with everything I’ve got going on right now, friends and family have avoided venting or coming to me with issues. And how I feel so detached from everything and everyone. Because they don’t want to dump anymore on my plate. But they aren’t. It makes me feel normal when they do come to me for a listening ear or advice. It makes me feel like I’m fulfilling, in some minor way, my purpose. To help others. Of course I’d rather them not have things that they need to vent about, to not have things troubling them. But it’s all just a part of life. For me it’s part of any fulfilling relationship. whether that’s with friends, family or spouses. To be able to bare all with each other, to be there through the good, the bad, the ugly. That’s what I want in relationships, to be there for it all.

So if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll know things aren’t too rosey for me right now. If you haven’t read them don’t worry about going back. I mean you can if you want to, it’s not forbidden. Just don’t feel like you’ll be missing out if you don’t because I’ll be discussing it in new posts.

I’ve kept an anonymous blog for a few years and have very rarely posted until recently. I cleared all of my old posts, which were mostly related to a previous job of mine. In the last few months I’ve put a few posts up, but mostly I write in the notes on my phone. It’s where this post started.

The notes on my phone is my safe place. My sanctuary. To write whatever and whenever I need to. I write with no destination and no idea what’s going to end up written on the screen. I find it so cathartic so it has its purpose.

But my therapist asked whether I’d consider changing it from an anonymous blog, for all to see. Because while writing has its purpose for me it could also help fulfill my purpose of helping others while I’m not physically able to help them. I’ve had a hell of a journey, as anyone has. But from that I’ve gathered a lot of experience and knowledge. Experience and knowledge that if shared could help others, or that’s the hope at least.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to disclose my identity and take you through my journey. My fingers tend to go into overdrive once they start typing so apologies in advance for all future tangents and dissertations.