I’ve had this deep rooted feeling, more like an impending doom, that somethings wrong with me. I tried to sit with the feeling, see if it was just because of my head and it wasn’t sitting right. They didn’t fit.
A few weeks ago I found a lump and eventually went to the docs last week, as it hadn’t changed, who referred me to the breast clinic. Over the weekend it suddenly changed and turned out to be a horrible infection. When the doctor said she was doing the referral I was like oh well, I knew there was something wrong with me. Obviously I was wrong.
Over the last year I’ve been chasing treatment after treatment, playing dartboard medicine to try and get my pain under control and get my life back. I’ve been afraid to settle and accept where I am. My mind told me that if I accepted where I am then I’d be stuck here forever. Like accepting where I am and still trialing treatments couldn’t go alongside each other.
The fact is I know I’m feeling off. I’m feeling a far deeper sense of exhaustion, permanently. My head is persistent and that good day I wrote about a while does appear to just be an anomaly. I’m getting cold chills, and I ache to the bone. I’m also struggling with my anxiety a lot more, particularly in social settings. It’s hard to know what is a symptom of my situation and what’s actually a symptom I need to check in on.
I got an email reminder to get me to place an order of the third dose of my current treatment. My third dose in due October 7th, and is the final jab in my 12 week trial. It means that I am just 5 and a half weeks away from the implant being my final treatment option. It’s a treatment I have far more hope in. And currently I’d say the CGRP inhibitors I’m trialing are a failure. Last week I even went to London to visit a cranial osteopath to see if he could help me.
He did help me. He said my head was a mess, that there was so much tension throughout my face, skull and neck. That he’d never seen anything like it. That through his hands my invisible illness was in fact visible. It took my friend highlighting this for me and I’m so grateful she did. But unfortunately the manipulation he performed has not helped me.
So my hat of tricks is now empty. Which means unless my final jab miraculously works, then I’m 5 and a half weeks time I’m left with one option. As I said, I have a lot more hope in the implant. But I’m starting to notice an additional feeling of fear along with the feeling of something wrong. Perhaps this feeling of impending doom is because I’m near the end of the road where a seriously invasive surgery is my last playing card. Perhaps the feeling of there being something wrong is because I’ve been filling my body with poison for years in treating this condition and more so over the last year. My feelings are probably perfectly normal of anyone faced with this decision, but I need to find a way to calm them down. I need to find a way to accept my current circumstances while also not giving up on my hope and fight for a treatment that will work for me and get me back on the road to rehab and recovery.