Today I feel quite sad. I’m not sure if there’s a reason for it, I just feel like I could cry and I’m not sure what I’d even be crying about.
I’ve noticed that the increased pain has main me quite on edge. I’m quite to snap and get frustrated, and I feel awful that Riley’s usual behaviour of thinking certain commands are more of a suggestion, are getting under my skin. I’m not able to be quite as patient with this as I usually am.
That being said, this morning when he was being a pain and slapping his paw into my back to get my attention, I managed to turn it into giving him a cuddle before continuing to read. This stopped him choosing violence to get my attention, but I’ve no doubt he’ll do it again tomorrow.
I’ve also been feeling guilty that I haven’t been able to invest more time to my volunteer work for UKCVFamily. And not feeling like I’ve got enough in me to keep in touch with my friends. I’m painfully aware that more often than not friends are checking in with me before I’m checking in with them. And it’s not at all that I don’t care, it’s just not being able to think of much of anything beyond pain and fatigue.
At the moment I struggle to even know what I want for dinner. I just don’t seem to having capacity to form thoughts or make decisions. It makes me feel like a bad person and overthink about how uncaring or insensitive that makes me come across as for not being able to check in on those I love and care for so deeply.
It’s not been all bad; Tuesday I had a meeting with the Safeguarding Lead Trustee at UKCVFamily, and despite my pain levels that day we actually managed to get on top of a lot of admin. I’ve used today to spend a few hours continuing that work, which I feel good for being able to manage.
Now I’m led with an old feel-good movie and a 34kg weighted blanket in the shape of a snoring dog. It might sound strange, but until a few years ago I couldn’t identify emotions and I spent my life try to block myself feeling or expressing them at all. I’ve gotten better, but I still don’t know how to feel sad, to process it or sit with it. It’s very uncomfortable for me, as is allowing the tears to flow when I feel sad. Happy tears I’m totally ok with, but sadness still feels like a too-small thong.
When I discussed this in therapy, and explained that a sad movie is easy to cry at, but not my own sadness. She suggested playing a sad movie to help my body feel safe to express the sad emotions. So I should probably switch from the feel-good movie I’m watching, but I don’t feel like I can emotionally manage Marley and Me right now.
I’m still a work in progress, I think I always will be, and that’s ok because I’m at least trying to do the work, even if it feels too hard at times.