Let us not be ashamed to speak what we shame not to think.
Michel de Montaigne
Friday in therapy we tried a new exercise, a constellation. Many things came up, a few thoughts, but mostly feelings and pain. Feelings such a fear, anger, sadness and shame. We discussed the shame on a deeper level, the feelings of fear, anger and sadness are largely expected and have been discussed at length before.
The shame came from a different place. It came from the item we associated with solution. Initially my thoughts were of the implant, diet, exercise and therapy. All things that should become part of my solution, or so I hope. But then shame came up. There are probably deeper feelings behind that, but they come together to create shame.
I had to think about what I was feeling shameful about and what came up was that I’m not doing everything I should be as part of my solution.
Diet for instance – I have an impulse and binge issue around my diet. The impulse being around impulsively eating fucking everything in one go. Particularly when my pain is bad, so evenings usually, I impulsively binge eat. I don’t know if it’s in search of a distraction from the pain, or for comfort. But it’s what I do. If I go to a shop I will often impulsively buy a bag of maoam. Then I will start eating them before I’ve even got home and I will eat the whole packet. The binge. When it comes to eating dinner, I have this almost compulsion to eat everything on my plate. Whether I’m full before I’ve reached halfway I really struggle to stop myself eat everything anyway. Then I’m sitting, watching a bit of tv, in lots of pain, and I have this impulse to eat again. This usually ends up being something sweet. This kind of diet does not go towards my solution. I should be eating more nutritiously. I shouldn’t be over eating, impulse eating or binge eating. I should be eating the sorts of foods that will fill me with nutrients and energy. Most days I’m not capable of preparing or cooking good nutritious food and that is not helping me.
I should have reach out to the doctors by now to discuss getting help to better my health overall. If I am to have this implant I need to make sure I’m in the best health possible to receive it. Currently I am overweight due to a mixture of my diet, lack of exercise and my medication. A doctor offered to refer me to their weight clinic to help me get my weight to a healthier level, now I’m not clinically obese but I am not a healthy weight. This is also having an effect on my joint issues, this hindering my mobility further than the condition alone would. Anyway I snapped, I was triggered by this doctors offer and I didn’t handle it gracefully. What should have happened since is I should have called back, apologised and accepted the referral in order to better my health. Exercise wise I am massively hindered by my energy and pain. I should be asking the doctors for a referral for hydrotherapy which would be a much more manageable way to start incorporating exercise into my routine. Because weightlifting is just not an option for me right now – I don’t have that in me which is very hard to accept and admit. But any help that is offered in order to keep my weight in a healthier range I should have accepted. Now I do need to make a grovelling phone call and ask for the help I need to improve my health.
BUT there’s still more I’m shameful about, still on the subject of health. I started smoking again in the first lockdown. I started smoking in my young teens but managed to kick the habit and I felt so much better for it! After about 5 years I’d occasionally social smoke, or if I was out out. I switched this to vaping, still not healthy but significantly better. And then come the first lockdown I picked up smoking. Now 2 and a half years later I’m still smoking. I keep trying to quit, when I had the funds I was trying patches which did help me cut down – until I started having skin reactions to the patches. I tried using a vape to help me quit, which did help until I caved and had a cigarette. I’m not a heavy smoker but I’m still a smoker and it’s just not good enough. I shouldn’t be adding more poison to my body while writing in my journal how I’m fed up of all the drugs I have to put in my system daily. Yet here I am adding to it. Ask me why I haven’t quit and you’ll usually find me saying something like it’s my only vice, particularly if I’m feeling flippant. Truth is I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m finding it very hard to quit and is another thing to ask for help with from the doctors.
Another thing to ask the doctor for help with is the findings from my osteopath visit last month. He found significant tension around my skull, face, neck and shoulders. Particularly around my skull and around C3, C4 in my neck on the right hand side (the side of my pain). The session itself didn’t provide me with any relief but I came away with knowledge of this tension. In fact the osteopath said ‘I can feel how much constant pain you’re in, it’s so evident’. He could see my invisible condition. As the session didn’t provide relief there was no point travelling to London for further treatment. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be seeking further treatment, this level of tension is obviously not going to help my pain. And while the tension is there, am I going to be getting the most out of the treatments for my HC? I don’t know. What I do know is that while travelling to London for treatment isn’t necessary, seeking more local treatment is. Because if there’s any chance it might help that I need to seek that.
The shame comes from things that are in my control that I am not doing anything to control. Some of it comes from my difficulties in asking for help. I expect some of it comes from the fact that so many things are out of my control, so many things that I can’t do, and so this is my inner child being defiant. It’s a petty protest and my health is suffering the effects of it, because the protest isn’t impacting anyone else. Just me. It’s a typical ‘you’re your own worst enemy’ situation. But that’s ok. I mean it’s absolutely not, but what I mean is that my situation and my solution is a process. It’s not always easy, and it wasn’t until therapy that a lot of this came up. I’d had the odd thought here and there, but I never followed that thought or dug into it any further. Probably because I knew what I’d find. But I will reach out for the help and support I need with these things. I won’t make promises about the when, but I will.