I’ve had a mixed bag of a week. So I’ll start with the good.
On Wednesday I met with my neurosurgeons registrar. I couldn’t tell you her name but she was lovely, and honestly was the best healthcare person I’ve had so far. She was so calm and understanding, showing sympathy and a clear desire to help me. Which is exactly what she intends to do. The route to the implant isn’t straightforward, due to the kind of operation and the complexity of my case. First of all I have a consultation with an anaesthetist from the Southmead pain clinic on Tuesday. I’m informed he’s very good and should also be able to help with my meds. Another appointment is being arranged for me to undergo a psyche evaluation. Not something I’m looking forward to as I don’t want my mental health to go against me but it’s part of the process. Following these my case will be presented to a board who will then make a decision on whether to grant the implant.
It’s the most positive I’ve felt following any appointment, she assured me our goals were the same and will fight for me through every step. I felt so reassured, seen and heard. She couldn’t give me an idea on time scales but ultimately I believe we’re heading in the right direction to finally give me a chance at a future. Whether the implant works or not is yet to be seen, but I certainly deserve the right to give it a go.
Than the sad stuff. On Tuesday Bella was in for her vaccination and a health check. I ran a few things by the vet, various behaviour changes in Bella that in truth have been very irritating. Not following her normal bedtime toilet routine, repeatedly waking in the night for absolutely fucking nothing and seemingly forgetting some of her training randomly. He asked a few probing questions, whether she was more anxious, nervous of exploring during some walks etc. and then he broke the news that it all pointed to signs of canine cognitive dysfunction. Dog dementia. I’ve been getting annoyed at my dog and was asking for behaviour advice and all the while she was wasn’t being belligerent – she had no idea what she was meant to be doing and might not be able to sense that she needs the toilet.
She’s also suspected to have arthritis in her hips, though we’re going to adjust her exercise routine to try and gauge the severity. I’m so angry, not only and I missing out on what should be the best years of my life but so is Bella. So has Bella. She’s otherwise remarkably healthy, and the vet predicts another 5-6 years of her being my sidekick. It’s just the unknown of what those 5-6 years will look like for her. My grand plans of taking her for all the old walks we used to do for hours on Saturday mornings are no longer possible and the fear that at some point she might not recognise her favourite people or places. Or might be too anxious to enjoy them.
This whole situation has been so unfair. The suffering I’ve had to endure and that Bella has patiently endured beside me. Graciously accepting a change in routine and pace to stay beside her mum. I’ve been so aware of how my situation has affected those around me, including Bella. Wracked with the guilt or not being able to continue the adventures she’s was used to. But knowing that those adventures no longer have a place in her future is beyond cruel. This huge loss for my darling Bella has made me far angrier than any loss inflicted on me.
That being said, I now understand her and her new ways. This understanding has entirely wiped any frustration with her away. She’s clearly picked up on it, and my upset, as she’s remained glued to my side since her appointment. She’s never left my side, but she’s back to wanted to be on me or next to me near permanently. Of course there are things that can be taken to slow the progress of both disease’s. Something that will be discussed again in 4 weeks time with the vet. I’ll do my best for her, same as I’ve always tried to. For now I will just hope that the decision to give me the implant in granted soon and that I can get better to ensure that these next years of Bellas life are filled with everything she loves and deserves. I will ensure she doesn’t have the chance to forget the ones she loves and the places she enjoys. That she’ll be comfortable and content. Always.