You know my biggest problem? I fucking think too much. All this time on my hands can lead to toxic thoughts. When I’m particularly unwell and unable to do anything I have nothing to distract my thoughts. Idle hands and all that.
From my last post you’ll see the toxic thoughts that come in and that they largely revolve around not being enough. Of course I am enough, I show up for my friends and family. It’s just in a different way. And nearly 2 years later I’m still not accustomed to that change. I fear that accepting my limitations and working with them will lead me to be comfortable in my situation and then lose my fight to be better.
There’s also a fear that lies within getting better. I’m scared of it. I don’t know what better looks like, I don’t know what path I’d take or how I’d want life to look like after being well again. I don’t want it to look like it did before, but that thought revolves around looking back with regrets and anger. It’s a negative thought process rather than the positivity of planning a future. But right now I can picture it. I just don’t see a future because I can’t see past the pain.
But I’m sick of being sick, that’s one thing I know with absolutely certainty. It’s not a negative thought, just a simple fact. I’m also fed up with the negative thoughts and the space they consume.
So I’m working on it. Im writing again and I’m trying to find something positive in this situation. I figured old ladies can knit with their eyes closed so surely I can learn to knit. It’ll keep my hands busy, it’ll keep my mind focused on something other than self deprecating thoughts and, if I can get the hang of it, I might produce something other than the misshapen swatches I have lying around. Perhaps a long misshapen swatch that I’ll refer to as a scarf.
I’m currently practicing the moss stitch. I’ve mastered the knit and purl stitch but the moss stitch is forcing me to remember what I just did. Much harder than one might think, but I’m actually enjoying myself. I think the purple needles I managed to work into a deal at Hobbycraft help greatly.
I largely have Darcy to thank for this positive step. Last year Han suggested knitting, knowing a friend of hers does very well with selling custom newborn cardigans. But a few weeks ago Darc took me to Hobbycraft and I was walking round and seeing so much that I could do. Like actually do! She was pointing things out too, showing me what I can achieve. Then hitting my low patch last week drove me to do something more positive and productive with my down time. Off I went to Hobbycraft on Sunday and I have barely let the needles cool down since.
The support and help that comes from my loved ones is so immense. To me what they give to me is immeasurable. They plant these seeds of positivity sometimes without uttering a word. The truth is I am constantly overflowing with gratitude for the help, love and support I get from those around me. It probably blinds me to what I give back to others because in comparison (in my mind) what I give doesn’t even compare to what I receive.
Funny thing about life, when you find yourself in a really rough spot you often become hyper aware of what others give to you. I’m a stubborn person, even now I am adamant I can do everything. I over commit and I try and do it all myself. I spoke in length about this with my mum last night. I was reminded that I need to accept help, stop trying to do things I have no business doing and be grateful for the things I can do. Giving examples of ‘I’d love to do that but at the moment it’s beyond me, but I can do [insert alternative here] instead’.
Of course not 2 hours later she found me trying to lug the big ass Kerby hoover up the stairs. In case you were wondering, apparently at nearly 30 you’re still young enough for a thick ear.
I think what I’m trying to say is I’m just a plain old vanilla human. It’s not in our nature to admit defeat, especially to a hoover. But we all have limits, and life is about working with them to achieve things. They don’t make you lesser. As Han told me last night, ‘not being able to help doesn’t make you redundant, it makes you human with limitations which we all have.’
I’m still learning my limits, and I know I’ll continue to try and push past them. But perhaps these little steps, like focusing on what I can do or asking for a little help now and then will help make my situation a little easier. Because I think, no, I know I’m the one making it so hard on myself.