Today has been and is a tough day.
It started by waking from a nightmare. A nightmare that was a showreel of the last two years of my life. And then after a moment it registered that it wasn’t a nightmare, it was and is real. The pain, grief and sadness hit me so hard I had a panic attack. Oh how I wish it was just a nightmare in my sleep and not my living nightmare.
Today would also have been my Grandads birthday. Tomorrow we scatter his ashes. He’s been on a shelf for nearly a year but tomorrow we finally lay him to rest. A complicated man, with complicated relationships with his family that has resulted in this long delay. But a man who gave his best self to me for 29 wonderful years. I long to be back at my desk and for him to walk in with his bag of sweets and biscuits he got caught buying from the shop. As a diabetic he shared the same sweet tooth as me and I regularly prospered from it. He was and is immensely important to me.
Today my mum also ended up in hospital after waking with chest pains. She has finally come home with a clean bill of health, it was likely stress induced. I’ve sat with so much fear and sadness today I feel heavy and emotional. I am so so grateful my mum is safe and well, but I do know that I am her biggest stress. The family as a whole are feeling so much stress and we just aren’t coping at all well. But I know my mum does so much for me every day that she should not have to be doing.
And now I’m in fear of speaking to my mum because I am so very close to breaking down, but today she was scared for her own health and I must not put my fear ahead of hers. She is safe and that is the most important thing today. My mum is home with me where she belongs.
I’m not certain whether this will end up on my blog or not. I needed an outlet, somewhere to vent todays heaviness that is not on someone else. Though I guess that’s what my blog is for. I feel everyone around me is coping with so much, good and bad. Everyone’s lives are changing and busy right now that I’m not feeling certain on where to reach out to without feeling like I’m dumping more on them, adding more to their pile. Though I know I should be reaching out to my therapist, I feel I could really do with a session. We’ve gone to fortnightly sessions and I’ve another week left to go. It feels like a month since my last.