I’ve realised that while I’m still writing away in the notes on my phone I’m not sharing as many of them on here. I’m truth I’ve been suffering with such conflicting feelings recently that I didn’t feel I could or should share them. Some things other people don’t need to hear, especially if it concerns people I’m close with. We all have dark thoughts and sometimes a public domain just isn’t a safe place to share them.
So I’m here to write in a much more balanced manor and share with you all my news. My surgery has been scheduled. It’s on October 2nd. 21 days away.
I got the call on the 31st. I’ll be honest about why I was conflicted. It’s because my surgery is 11 days before I’m due to be a bridesmaid for Darcy. My immediate reaction was pure devastation because there’s a chance I might not be at the wedding. I have no idea what my recovery is going to look like, only that my last op was absolutely horrendous. I had my pre op Thursday and I asked about recovery, I was told ‘this specific surgery has been done so few times that I can’t give you an answer’. Which of course didn’t fill me with much confidence!
So I had my panic. I panicked to my mum and Han, my sister Tash and then Darcy’s mum, Trace. Each gave me amazing advice and calmed me down a lot. I then spoke to Darc who’s reaction was so heart warming and amazing. She was just so excited for me! So I decided to no longer be conflicted because those around me are so excited and just want me to be well again.
I will continue to prepare for the wedding because even if I just get to do the ceremony, speeches and dinner I know I’m going to feel like I’ve won the lottery. I will of course prepare for my surgery. Though I don’t quite know how. Currently it is mostly allowing the feelings of panic, fear and excitement flow freely through me.
I tried my bridesmaids dress on last week and I actually felt so beautiful. I didn’t think it was possible because I just don’t recognise me in my current body and size but I did and I’m so excited at the prospect of wearing it on D&Cs big day.
Honestly I feel absolutely zero pressure about the surgery or the wedding and I feel that’s going to put me in with a better chance of making the wedding. Because it’s something that is genuinely so important to me and unless it’s going to significantly impact my recovery then I will move heaven and earth to be there for my girl.
I got to do that this weekend. Darcy’s hen weekend was incredible! I didn’t get to stay the duration which was to be expected but what I did experience was absolutely amazing. Just a huge group of women showing how much love they have for Darcy and how excited they are for her and Courtney. It was beautiful to witness and be a part of. She’s an incredible women and I’m so grateful she got to see just how much she means to those around her!
Anyway that’s me out of words and news to share. No doubt I’ll be back soon panicking about the op and having a chunk of my lovely curly hair shaved off. For now it’s r&r till my big day!