I’ve noticed a kind of shift in myself this last week. Nothing wild. A pull towards healthier meals, more green and less beige. And to the kind of activities I want to do. A want to do more crafts, to have deeper conversations and to prepare for the things I want to do when I am more able.
For the past few months I’ve been meeting with Laura and Kalie and we’ve spent our time chatting and painting ceramic pumpkins. Simple crafts that we’ve enjoyed immensely. But mostly it’s been the time to chat, to learn new things about each other and discuss shifts in ourselves as we enter more adult adulthood. Everything from our childhood to our experiences that have shaped us. These are the kind of conversations I live for. I value them so much as I truly believe that you can learn from every person you meet in this world.
For me this time has developed a friendship I deeply value with Kalie and strengthened by bond with Laura. It’s also meant I got to stay on and do crafts with my goddaughter Amy when she gets home from school. I’ve always struggled with imagination and a kids tea party is the most uncomfortable, awkward experience for me. Cause I just can’t get down with kids like that. But if they want to paint things, do science experiments or get covered in mud doing typically ‘boy’ activities, then I’m the one doing it beside them. Encouraging them to mess up, get creative and push the boundaries of what they think they can achieve. Or to wow them with science experiments, especially if they make a mess. I’m that Auntie Chloe. I can’t be silly, but I can be fun and messy.
I love to have deep conversations, to play and be creative, to eat street food at a pumpkin patch or sit with a coffee in great company. I’m fairly simple, but I feel a draw to do a little more of these things.
I’m desperate to be more mobile, more active and more creative. I’ve always wanted to learn to ice skate properly, to be able to push past my fear of falling and losing a few fingers to someone else’s skates, and be free on the ice. I’m not there yet but I found myself actively researching skates and lessons for the time I am ready. Because I’ve always denied myself these things. I’ve feared doing them alone, but I don’t want to hold myself back from experiencing the things that I want this time round.
The trouble I have is that I don’t hold myself back when it’s actually vital. I’m on day 2 of bed rest with higher pain and deep exhaustion. Friday I did it all. It was a whole day of last minute plans with friends and family. I was active from 10am through to 7pm. ‘Too fucking much’ I hear you chanting at me, and you would be correct.
What I’d forgotten was that Tash was round on the weekend. Mum arranged that it would be Saturday and I thought it would be an easy movie day where I could still rest. I had a need to get outside and so Tash and I took our dogs into the field for a short walk. What I didn’t realise was that I’d be cooking dinner, though Tash did help some with this. At the end of the evening I was on empty, not even fumes, and in pain. I was a little miffed that I’d been put into a situation where I had to do more than I was capable of without checking with me first. But equally, I’d done exactly the same to myself on Friday. I did more than I was capable of and I didn’t check with myself first before agreeing to it.
The thing is I don’t quite know how to say no to spending time with the ones I love. I have an abundance of time, not useable time, but time. My friends have children, work, husbands and partners, dogs and much larger circles of friends. So when a friend asks to see me, even if it’s last minute, I say yes. I say yes because they’re gifting me their valuable and limited time and I don’t want to miss out on the chance to see them. For them their lives are full and busy. For me it’s slow and stagnant. Meaning to not see a friend for two weeks to me feels like 6 months. I don’t want to have to say no and not be able to see them for another 2 weeks because I don’t want my loneliness and desperation for company to consume me more than I know how to cope with. So I say yes.
The trouble is sometimes it just tips me over the edge. What I should be doing is making a strict schedule. To prebook as much as I can and if someone asks to see me last minute, if there is already one thing on that day then offer them the dates that are clear. I know I need to do this to better manage my recovery, my condition and my rehabilitation. I cannot keep saying yes because by doing so I’m saying no to my key needs. Of course I need to see my friends and family, but not at the detriment to my health. It’s not easy to balance, it’s a fucking journey my friends and I am not operating successfully right now.
The truth is I’ve never been able to say no to the people I love. My need to meet other people’s needs developed when I was a toddler and it’s arguably the hardest cycle to break free from. But also I just love to see them and I want to do it all. Despite the fact I can’t. My mind seems to go ‘well maybe today we can do it all’. It’s toxic and counterproductive. This ‘keep doing it all and failing until I can eventually do it all’ mindset is going to be my downfall until I can stop it.
But only I have that power. Only I can fix this, only I know what I’m capable of and only I have the power to say no in order to say yes to my essential needs. I wish that these patterns were easier to break, that they wouldn’t cause me so much internal conflict. Ultimately, sometimes you just have to be brutally honest, like I am being right now, and say I am the toxic person in my relationship with myself.
I’ve always craved to be someone’s priority, for someone to put me first after themselves. To be their chosen person. But I realise I’m not even my chosen person, and I think that’s the saddest realisation and sentence I’ve ever written about myself. I don’t want to break into a Merideth Grey ‘pick me, choose me, love me’ reenactment, but I felt that and realise that it’s all anyone truly wants. But I have to be able to receive that from myself.
So here’s my promise to me, witnessed by all those who have suffered my whining this far: I will try to say ‘no’ more, I will schedule and I will do my upmost to stick to it by truthfully assessing my needs each day.