It’s been pointed out to me before that I turn to humour when I’m in a dark place or a place of avoidance. Or where I just feel awkward.
One of those more glaringly obvious times is when someone asks ‘how are you?’ Because 95% of the time the honest answer is not good. Not even close to good. I feel awful and I really wish I could get used to it, but I can’t, and every day I face a new challenge with my health and my abilities that means I can never get used to this. So I’ll make a joke or say I have nothing to report.
Of course it’s not all terrible as you, my readers, know. I volunteer for UKCVFamily and it gives me so much purpose. Being part of the admin team as well, with our little group chat means nothing heavy is on one person. We’re such a united team, and the chat isn’t all heavy stuff. We laugh and share funny videos and stories. Just this week we’ve discovered that several of us pick up accents of those they’re around. My entire life I just thought I was embarrassing myself when I noticed I do this – but apparently it’s a thing and I finally know others who do this. It has nothing to do with our roles or our responsibilities, we’re a team but we’re also really good friends. But the purpose comes from being in this team and everyday being able to contribute to helping so many others. It fits within my limits and I am so grateful for that.
One day I may be a 10/10. But that very same day I might be able to use just 10 minutes to help someone access the support they deserve, or direct someone to the mental health support they need, or I might be able to share a few words that may make someone laugh or feel a little less alone. If I focus on the things I can and do achieve, even from my bed – with curtains drawn, shades on, ear plugs in and phone brightness on 0 – then on the whole you could say I’m doing ok. But some times that 10 minutes just isn’t enough to overshadow the darkness of the other 1430 minutes. But in the whole I’m still much better off than I was before I had this purpose.
But why do I still turn to humour as a defence? Why do I still feel awkward when someone asks how I am? I guess I don’t want to make others feel awkward. I don’t want to just keep saying the same thing – feeling shite but keeping on. I worry that people will have negative thoughts about me saying the same thing over and over. I worry they’re thinking ‘Christ it’s the same shit. Surely she should be used to this/over this by now’. Of course that’s my own mind creating a story based on zero evidence, because I know there is no one in my circle that would even dream of having these thoughts about anyone. But sometimes it’s hard to get past the anxiety created by that story – so I make a joke. Or I change the subject.
I’m pretty good at changing the subject. Which I’ll demonstrate now.
I’ve also noticed that in being more open, on here and in person, I now have to really watch myself. I am possibly too open and too comfortable telling my truth. I want those in my circle to always feel open to approaching me with anything they have going on. I might not be able to do a lot, but I am able to listen (most of the time). But I’ve noticed that I’ve started to pick up the habit where in order to tell someone I understand what’s happening to them, or convey that I don’t fully understand but I have had a similar experience, I then proceed to tell them this experience. Thus inadvertently changing to subject to me, when that’s not what I intend to do. I just seem incapable of just saying ‘I understand and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this’ or ‘I’ve had a similar experience, so I do kind of understand where you’re at, but if you want to I’m happy to listen so I can understand on a better level’. These are the things I would say before, Chloe the Closed Book was well versed in this. Helping others, being there for others and showing support and empathy is still who I am. But I am conscious of this new verbal diarrhoea that I know from experience can stop someone sharing their story with you, even though your intentions are pure.
So this is a new thing I’m working on. A special brand of new anxiety I’ve never had because I’ve never been such an open book before. Now I need to deal with the anxiety and practice closing my book so others have the space to open theirs.
So anyway, now I’ve opened my book and divulged my inner thoughts, anxiety and defence mechanisms I guess it’s time for me to get awkward. I brought some new platform trainers in the sale, and I now look like a solid 5ft1.5 😏 watch out Tesco, second shelf from the top should now be within my reach!