Texas F1 musings.

I’ve written a fair amount since my op, but I realised the majority hasn’t landed here. I’m not sure why, it’s not deliberate. I suppose these last 3 weeks are a bit of a blur as I’ve become a bit of a passenger while I recover and adapt to my new gadget. So anyway, the rest of this post is actually something I wrote Sunday evening and I’d particularly like to share those thoughts with you all.

Sometimes I have a moment of feels. It often comes at strange moments where I suddenly need to write. Like now, 9 laps into the Austin GP.

This evening I’m suddenly hit with an intense feeling of pride. I am so proud of myself for what I have been through. Not just the last few years but my entire life. When I think of it all I could best describe myself as a resilient motherfucker.

And not just my physical health, but mentally too. This week I had a fairly intense session with my therapist and it ended with a kind of goodbye. This next chapter of rehab and figuring out my life can only be done by me and she feels I have the strength and tools to proceed. So we compromised and booked a session for 6 weeks time.

3 and a half years ago I tried to end everything and I am so grateful to still be here. It’s all been part of my journey, of finding myself and the strength within myself to battle through these last few years. Of course I’ve repeatedly come close to trying to exit again, but I didn’t because I just had this blind hope that there had to be purpose. Purpose to everything I’ve overcome, all the work I’ve put in to myself in and out of therapy and in fighting all these treatments. I knew they had to be taking me somewhere, and I hoped that it would be to a second chance at living a real life again.

And here I am. The implant in my head is working beyond all expectations. It’s not a cure, I have bad days, especially when I over do it. But now I need to learn to live within my limits instead of trying to reach them with everything I do.

My therapist said I need to find my ordinary. She gave me a title of ‘What is my ordinariness and how can I be comfortable in it?’ My entire life I’ve always lived on the limit, I’ve pushed to all my boundaries; Whether I was doing something for every hour and minute between waking and sleeping again because I couldn’t be still with my thoughts and feelings or because I was reaching my limits when doing something because I never knew when I’d be well enough to do something again.

Now I must break that pattern and learn to stop before reaching my limits. So I can go home and not feel like absolute shite, which may in turn mean I can do something the next day too. Learning to live within the comfortable. In fact I think the only times I have been comfortable in not hitting my limits is when in education or in the gym. When I first starting exercising I was pushing my limits; training 7 days a week and breaking my already broken body. Then I learned it wasn’t working and by the time I started competing I realised my body and mind coped better by training 45 minutes 3-4 times a week maximum. My joints could cope with that but I had to learn the hard way. I haven’t learnt that with my head yet. I’m not learning the hard way, just living the hard way and this is the time for me to break that pattern.

But for now I’m just really fucking proud of myself. Despite living the hard way I am still living and less that 3 weeks lost op I’ve invested in new walking boots, a warm gilet and I’m now ready to start rehab and ease myself into life again. It’s going to be a long hard journey, to no longer be disabled, to be able to stand and cook dinner or clean a whole room in one day. The little menial tasks that are part of basic existence, to be able to care for myself and do simple household chores that have been unachievable these last few years. These are my goals now. Then we’ll look at the bigger picture!

I’m grateful to be here and I’m proud of myself of trusting my instinct and fighting for the treatment I believed would help me get a second chance. It’s all paid off. I’m immensely proud of the woman I’ve become and I know my inner child is happy to finally live a life purely for me.