I had another rough night. I was up around 3 and still up around 6.30. But I felt fine so it was ok.
Then I dosed off and had a few nightmares, one of which was about my pain being back. I then woke up just after 8.30 feeling positively fucking awful. And very much in pain. It’s a bit less than my usual 8/10, but after 5 days of its being insignificant it’s hit me hard.
I’m also not too ashamed to admit I’m absolutely fucking devastated. I knew this operation wasn’t a cure, there isn’t a cure for my condition. But as I said yesterday I was full of excitement, joy and fear. I was so caught up in that that I hadn’t considered the fact that I’d still get flares.
So at 4am, while feeling fine, I was sending Hannah a message to get her view on me trying to be there for the night before Darcy’s wedding. Whether that would be trying to push myself to do too much too soon – I knew Hannah would be honest and probably knows my limits more than me. It was easier to accept not being able to do absolutely everything I wanted to because my health and pain prevented it. Having spent all week without that level of pain I just felt FOMO because I no longer felt I had that pain to prevent it. So why the hell should I have to miss out on doing it all.
Just a few hours later and I’m hit with the harsh reality that no matter how successful this operation was, I am still going to suffer because of this condition. For the rest of my life. With no warning. Of course I can hope that the good days will outweigh the bad once again. Heck I’ve lived with this since 2015, I knew the score. But my flares were never quite like what today feels like.
Mostly it’s just shocked me, I got caught up in the moment of painless joy. This feels like a wet slap to the face.
That being said, the last 5 days were better than I ever imagined possible. I genuinely felt better than I did before the vaccine when my condition was mostly controlled. That’s a fucking win. And if I have 5 days like that followed by one or two bad then I’m ok. The surgeon was only hopeful for a 50% improvement after all.