I never know how to start my journals. Do I just go straight in, do I do a gentle intro? I think I do both.
That was my gentle intro.
I had therapy this morning and it turns out I really, REALLY, needed it. So much has happened recently, not just my health struggles, that I’ve found it hard to process…because of my health struggles.
When you’re so unwell there just isn’t the space, brain capacity or even emotional strength to process other things. And that’s something that impacts me a lot, it makes me angry, pent up and frustrated and sad. But I don’t have the storage for those emotions either.
I’ve written before about how much my health has dipped recently, but the last few weeks have been brutal. I am so done. I’m so fed up of feeling like this, I’m so fed up of being stuck in bed and feeling so much pain.
I’m reacting more to food, most meals in fact and I now dread and fear eating. I don’t know what’s safe to eat and what I’m going to react to, or what level of reaction I’m going to have.
I’m in agony constantly, whether it’s my Hemicrania/occipital neuralgia, or burning pains wherever my skin is in contact with my bed, extreme stomach pains from whatever I’ve eaten or inflammation.
My biggest fear overall is getting worse or staying like this. This isn’t a pity party but I feel so useless in every sense and honestly it’s draining. Not being able to see my friends and family or be there for them, have experiences with them and make memories, not being able to do anything but basic care for Bella, not being able to do anything for myself. It’s torture and I know I have to try something.
I’m seriously considering a health fundraiser to help me access consultants and treatments that could potentially help me fight this. The reality is that Bella’s monthly costs keep increasing, and are only ever going to keep going up, and this leaves me with nothing to invest in myself now. You all know I’m being met with brick walls at the doctors and the reality is that I don’t know what I need to ask them for, and I don’t think they know what to offer me. I need direction.
I also fear what putting a fundraiser out there, with my story, would do. The looks, the comments, the trolls, it being unsuccessful. I don’t know, but my mind is busy creating a story.
A friend did suggest adding a ‘buy me a coffee’ to my blog as a way to kickstart this. I don’t get a lot of readers if I’m honest, but I am going to look into adding this to my blog. If you choose to donate or share I really would be so grateful.
But for now, I really need to rest – which is something else I’m struggling with because I’m so sick of it. But needs must. Then I’ll look at what I can do to try and fight for a more meaningful existence. As always, if you’ve come this far thank you and if you have any ideas or advice it would be gratefully received.