Throughout most of my life I have often been guilty of not believing in myself and my worth. Understandable, that leads to having quite a closed mind with little imagination. If I don’t believe in myself then how on earth can I imagine the things I’m capable of achieving?
There are things I know I’m good at. I know I’m good at helping others, sometimes to a fault or beyond the limits of my health. I’m getting better at managing those boundaries with myself, it’s not been an easy battle to quit the people pleasing mode when it’s been my default for my whole life. I’m good at listening, I’m good at compassion and kindness.
In recent years, I’ve learned that I’m quite good with writing too. I’m certain my English teachers would agree, it was never my strong point growing up. Once I found what I needed to write for, it became very easy. I’m sitting in my pyjamas, throwing a ball for Riley, all the while writing this without much thought input. Like I said, when I’ve got something to write and it’s important to me to do so it really is quite effortless most of the time.
I’m good with animals and animals are good with me. We share our gentle souls that make connecting so beautiful.
But here’s my stumbling block and I know people will read this and this “are we really having this conversation again?” See I want to continue helping people, I feel certain that I can. But what I lack is the imagination and the blind belief that what I write has meaning to others. Yet, I continue to write and while I do take the odd break, I’m always back because I know somewhere along the line it might just help someone.
This belief block is a hurdle for me because I have this fear of sharing my blogs. I know that blogging in general doesn’t get the traction it used to before the days of TikTok and Instagram reels. Where is the market for someone who is good with words but has absolutely no interest in making videos of their life and spending hours editing them? Kudos to those that do this by the way, genuinely I am in awe of your bravery and the ability to just do it. I however, do not have the mind of an entrepreneur, I just sit wishing I did instead.
I’m a tech luddite. I don’t even write on word or use my laptop. I open the notes app on my iPhone, tap away for 10-20 minutes and shove it on the blog. Job done. Nice, easy and low energy.
So where do I build the belief in myself that will help me take this little corner of the internet further? No one wants to read an essay posted alongside a random image on instagram. I love the people that do read my content, friends, family and strangers. Sometimes I’m blown away when I see 20 people have read a post. 20 people who have spent a little bit of their time reading what’s happening in my life that day or some experience that I’ve cared to share.
I guess, as I’m experiencing more days with better energy I’m trying desperately to think how I want to spend that and how I want to earn a living going forward. I know I’m a little way off being able to get a job, but I like planning and I don’t like unknown certainties. I have to look forward and think what I want my life to look like, and ultimately I know I don’t want to spend the majority of it stuck in an office doing work that doesn’t enrich my life and my soul. I want a life of meaning, I want to feel accomplished and I also have to plan a life that does allow for my limitations and unexpected flares without having the stress of explaining to a boss why I can’t come in and no I don’t know when I’ll feel better either.
Which leaves me wondering how I can lean on my strengths to make a living. Or perhaps what I could do that covers the bills and still ensures I can spend the majority of my time doing what I love – helping others. The reality is that right now I am doing what I love. I love my life, I love the slow pace, the low stress and the ability to give my health the rest and peace that it requires. But one day, there will come a point where finding the way to earn a living with my new body and new health is a necessity.
I thought about crocheting Moses baskets and selling them, even making them to order, but I don’t think my body would cope with that too well. I then thought about operating a service where people can donate their wedding dresses for others to hire, because everyone deserves to feel beautiful on their big day regardless of their budget, but then you’re relying on that actually being a desirable service that others need and the income isn’t guaranteed. Mum suggested I send some of my writing to papers or bigger blogs and online magazines. Then I thought perhaps I start writing about things that people do want to read, or even writing pieces that people have commissioned (if that’s even a thing). Perhaps I become a disability advocate, sharing not just my own stories but other people’s too.
The bottom line is I don’t know what to do and ultimately whatever I do will only ever be successful if I truly believe I can make it that way. That’s for me to work on and perhaps when the right idea comes along I won’t have the doubts that people will invest in what I can offer because I’ll just know that it’s right.