So I’m having a hell of a day and I wanted to share. See sometimes from bad comes good, and you’ve got to take your wins when you find them. Especially when you’re in an extended period of suffering – cherish your fucking wins!
It started off with having to call one of my creditors. Everyone dreads these conversations, but if you’ve ever had them then you know actually the people are lovely. I always come away from them feeling such relief and calm and today was no different despite the subject. Currently my income still outweighs my outgoing. I lost my income due to not being able to work back in May. Since then I’ve had to sign up for universal credit, esa and pip. I’ve no shame in saying this, I did at the start. But I am entitled to this. My situation is not my doing, it’s a consequence of my circumstance. However, my debt was mostly my doing. There was some financial manipulation involved for some of it, but it’s still my debt so there’s no making excuses. Because my outgoings are higher than incoming I’m not able to pay towards my debts. These are non priority payments. My nil payment plan on one of them ran out today, and yesterday I was supposed to have a health assessment to grant me more money but it got cancelled. So I had to call them with no news, no change sir, I’m broke sir, help me sir. And he did. He was fantastic, we laughed, we got serious, he supported me. He made sure I was ok in every other aspect, mental health, physical health, treatments. Amazing. And he offered me a further 3 months breathing space. A diamond is what this guy was.
I’ve been trying to sell my car to clear my debt. Now I don’t want to, let me make that perfectly clear. This is my dream car, and she’s mine! But I don’t get to drive often, and never far. And by selling the car I can clear my debt entirely. I have no other options. My other debt nil payment plan runs out in December, after that it’s a default and a 6 year mark on my credit. It’s what will happen with the other one in 3 months if I don’t raise the funds, or find myself able to make payments, to keep my credit clear and remove this enormous stress which is no doubt impacting my health. So it’s a choice of being debt free (if the car sells) or keeping my pride and joy, keeping my debt, debt stress and damaging my credit score. It’s a no brainier. Well it was in theory. Today I’ve received a message and someone finally wants to come look at my car. I won’t lie to you, there was a moment – Just a blip – Where I thought, tell him it’s no longer for sale. I didn’t, because debt. But I was pretty tempted. My pride and joy is also the final part of independence I have. Parents especially end up driving me most places – it’s like I’m 14 again and being driven to a nappy night or a ‘sleepover’ where we drink in a field till we pass out. But when I do think I can drive, you bet your ass I’ll use as much fuel as my head will allow. Despite this, I know this interest in my car is a good thing. It’s my only way out of this situation, so I guess it’s giving me independence in another way.
Next on the list – my mum, the smart old dear that she is, made an invention for me. I struggle with my head pain so bad, particularly at the moment because covid has got me good. My head pain spreads to my neck, my head feels like it’s too heavy for my head. We don’t have a shower, and often it is too painful for me to lean back in the bath as my head and neck are unsupported. So she’s rolled up two towels tight and zip tied them in place. It floats – and my head and neck are supported and for the first time in forever my head feels weightless. No neck pain, head pain is still thumping it’s tuneless beat round the top, side and front of my head and faces but no pain at the back. This has made me feel so much better just to get a respite from some of it. Anyway, that was 3 hours ago and I’m still here. Floating, tapping into my journal, shrivelling.
Also on the covid front when I say it hit me hard I mean I’m not in hospital – I assume they wouldn’t let me bath for 3 hours. But it hit my chest, my breathing was pretty rough, my head has been unbearable, everything either tastes of sick or nothing at all, and I wasn’t able to stomach eating or much drinking for a few days. Anyways covid is on the mend, I had a toddlers dinner last night, tasted nothing but I enjoyed the sensation of eating it nonetheless. So my head – I take 200mg pregabalin, 300mg made me too high, and it doesn’t do a lot but it’s better than nothing. The other day I was like I’m going to take a little more and see if it helps. I’m talking 25mg here’s, a micro-dose if you will. What a fucking error. I’ve never been so high in my life. I could hardly stand or walk, my eyes were just rolling free will around my head. Like I had no control, I could stop them. Obviously I woke a few hours later in my chair and I carefully made my way to bed to sleep that off. So I emailed my neuro this morning, asking what else I could do. Which I know I’ve tried everything they’ve got to offer, but something might have come out overnight- you never know. Obviously she said I’ve tried it all, should ease alone with my covid. BUT she has said she thinks my next port of call should be a pain clinic. I hope it’s not instead of seeing the surgeon, but maybe they might just be able to do something to help me cope in the meantime.
So there’s my wins for today. Sorry I waffled, but I waffle in all my journals and by this point I probably shouldn’t be apologising anyway. I hope you’ve had wins today, it doesn’t have to be big – it could just be making food, getting out of bed, lying in a bath for 3 hours. But these are still wins and they should be celebrated as such.