When I found my therapist Lee I was in a terrible way. I’d completed the SilverCloud online cbt course I was referred to by the doctors and it left me in a really dark place. I found myself constantly battling suicidal thoughts and feelings not understanding where I’d gone wrong. I thought I’d gotten myself to a good place with my mindfulness practices and then suddenly I didn’t want to live anymore.
I’ll be honest and say I don’t really remember those early days with Lee. So much has happened in these two years it’s hard to think back to that time. Perhaps it’s memory, perhaps it’s a mental block. A time I wouldn’t like to return to. Lee incorporates mindfulness practices into our therapy. We meditate, we tap, we realign chakras. Each session varies – sometimes we just chat about anything and everything, sometimes I sit and sob, sometimes I’m in a really detached place and don’t manage to get a lot out when I probably need to, and sometimes we even laugh. Lee has this wonderfully calm energy, she makes you feel immediately safe within sessions. It’s like chatting to a friend rather than therapy. But she somehow always knows the right things to ask or to say that get you fully opening up.
I’ve often logged into a session thinking I feel ok, then a mere 10 minutes later I’m a blubbering mess discussing some deep trauma I didn’t even know I remembered and stored for so long. It’s done in a good way, in a safe way. By bringing these things to the surface, facing then head on, shining a light on it so that trauma is no longer feared. I cannot tell you how much fear, anger and resentment I’ve been able to let go of in these last two years.
Through finding Lee I have started to find myself. See my whole life, or at least as much as I can remember, I lived based on other peoples needs. I always put others needs ahead of mine, in every decision, every action, every thought process. My perception of who I needed to be to be accepted, my need to ensure everyone else’s needs are met first and foremost. So I never got to find myself because I was to busy changing to conform for other people. I’m now 29 and just starting to feel like people are meeting the real me.
I’ve held a lot of resentment around my current situation. My inability to work, to have any form of meaningful existence, to no longer be able to train or walk my dog often. To have found myself disabled all in the name of protecting others. It’s hard not to have resentment for that. But if I keep a hold of that resentment, that anger, all I am doing is driving myself to a darker place. This is something Lee has managed to guide me though, because that resentment and anger doesn’t serve me. I can’t change what’s already happened. I can’t hop in a DeLorean and undo having the Pfizer vaccine. It’s done, and I have to accept that. But that’s also something Lee and I talk through, the fear that if I accept my situation, does that mean I’m giving up my fight for a cure? It doesn’t, I know that now. But mental health is not linear, some days I feel that resentment and anger rise up. Other days I feel like I truly accept my situation, but also maintain the drive to fight to get my life back. It’s a strange balancing act, but so long as there are more days of acceptance than there are days of resentment then I’m making positive progress.
Right now, writing this, I know that I actually feel grateful for my situation. See before I got ill my sessions with Lee had gone to once a month. Yes, I was in that good a place. I was looking forward to a summer out of lockdown, with my friends and family, continuing to find myself and let the real Chloe be seen. Looking forward to using all the tools Lee taught me to combat anxiety and fear. A life where I could control my social anxiety. But then I took the vaccine and my plans and hopes fell to the sidelines. I was absolutely broken. After just over a month I increased my sessions with Lee, I was not coping in this pain and disappointment. Through these last 16 months Lee has helped me want to survive, she’s helped me find meaning in my suffering. She encouraged me to start this blog, to use my want to help others to give me a purpose while I can’t continue my life as it was.
Back to what I said, right now I’m grateful for this situation because it’s given me the gift of time. It’s stripped my life to the absolute basics, removing all distractions and obligations that come with adulthood. I can’t work, most days I can’t get out of bed, I can’t sit and watch tv, I often can’t drive. So I’m left with time and not a lot of things I’m capable of doing to fill it. It’s given me time to continue finding myself. Time to reassess my life and identify the things that really matter to me. Through my sessions with Lee I’ve battled through suicidal intentions time and time again. I’ve said before how I don’t speak up for myself. But she’s helped me do that, along with my friends. I’ve sent out many emails and letters demanding to be seen and heard, demanding for the help that I need to find a treatment that works.
But it’s not just this situation Lee has helped me with. Let’s not forget the fateful journey to Eastbourne. The catalyst. Through my sessions with Lee we’ve looked into why I am the way that I am, or was. Why were everyone else’s needs more important than mine? Why weren’t my boundaries being respected? Why wasn’t my voice being heard? Why was my anxiety crippling my ability to make connection? Why was I ending up in abusive relationships time and time again? Why did I end up on a cliff in Eastbourne? We’ve been through it all. Lee has helped me have the difficult conversations with myself, with my family, with my friends. She’s helped me understand myself. We did a lot of inner child work, a lot to honour little Chloe. To ensure that she never goes unseen or unheard again. That her needs are met and respected. I’ve never been one for lying. I hate it, like a really deep loathing. I find now that while I’ve always tried to be honest, I often chose to keep my mouth shut. Because I didn’t want to lie but I didn’t have the strength to tell the truth either. To say someone has hurt me, to be there for my friends and family in the most honest way possible. To ask them the uncomfortable questions and talk about the uncomfortable truths. It’s why I know the friends I have are friends for life. Because through this honesty we help each other grow and flourish and be the best versions of ourselves.
I don’t know what my life looks like on the other side of this journey. I know now the things that matter. I know that time matters, because we don’t have enough of it. Time with friends and family, time with Bella, time with myself. Connections and maintaining those are vital. Love is vital. And I don’t mean you gotta have marriage and kids and blah blah blah. I mean you have to live with love, love for yourself, for nature, for the planet and everyone in it. Whatever you do, do it with love. Someone’s annoyed you? Raise it with them, from a place of love. Making dinner? Make it with love. Find the joy in all the simple things. I know that helping others is truly important for me. I know that I want to minimise my stress as much as anyone can, because I don’t tolerate it anymore. Travel is important. I never made enough time to travel, I always had an excuse not to. To not take holiday from work and see the fucking world. What a waste! I want to take more photos. Don’t get your hopes up, it does not mean I’ll be using my phone more, I still hate technology and I’ll never enjoy texting. I mean I want photos to document the memories I will make. Because like time, memories fade.
Before meeting Lee my life was not my own. My life was what I thought others needed of me. It’s sad in fact thinking back to how I lived for over 27 years. The things I missed out on, the things I’ve regretted, the things I’ve allowed to happen to me. It’s truly very sad. And perhaps one day I might share a little more on that, but I’m not quite sure how right now. But I met Lee, and she’s guided me to a place where, probably with more guidance still, I will move forward with a life that is true to me. A life full of love and memories. Making time for the things I love, listening to my inner child and her needs, listening to what’s in my heart when I need a little guidance. Lee has provided me with this, and my current situation has provided me with time to strip everything away ready to start again. Chloe Price take 2.
The above is probably very jumbled but the point I wanted to make, if the above isn’t clear, is this – I’m 29, in a horrible situation that many wouldn’t survive. But I’m also 29, ready to live a complete different life – my own life. My own life with my own values. I have a voice, and while sometimes I still need a little help, I’m prepared to use my voice. To voice my needs. To ask for help if I need it. I’m 29 and I’m excited to live something totally different, to do things totally different and with the drive and tools to combat any suicidal thoughts. Because I now want to live and am ready to truly live. I now understand the traumas I have been through, the things that lead to who I was and how I lived before. Now I have the strength, tools and support of a therapist to deal with anything that comes in the way of living this new life. THAT is the power of therapy.