I wanted to use my blog to help others, by sharing my journal entries with the world in that it may just help one person. I had a message last week after my mental health blog to say that the person felt a little less alone after reading it. That is my goal, to help people feel less alone. I share a lot on my current situation with my Hemicrania Continua. But it’s not all I can share, my journey has come in waves over the years and my head is just one part of it. So over time I hope to discuss a little bit of it all, in no particular order. I just write what I feel like writing, when I feel like it. This one came to me in a dream last night, and that’s why I’m here writing about empathy.
It’s a desired trait. You often hear people say ‘have a little more empathy’. And it’s funny to me that what is considered a desired trait is one of my burdens. Empathy comes in varying levels. Some people have very little, others have far too much. I fear I fall into the later category. It’s something that I have to continuously work on, to try and maintain some degree if separation in order to protect myself. But I often fail with this.
My empathy is on a level that really impacts my day to day. I can sit down with a friend and know that something is wrong. I know whether they’re feeling anxious, worried, sad. Because I feel it too. I pick up on other peoples energy so easily. If someone is so overcome with emotion that they’re crying, before I know it I’m trying desperately not to cry, not to feel their pain. Because I do, and it’s so hard to stop that. It often lands me in situations where I have to remove myself because it is not my place to break down, it’s not my place to be overcome with someone else’s emotions. It’s also probably why I have in the past been a people pleaser, a yes man. Because then I don’t have to feel their negative emotions.
It’s also why I have such difficulty telling others when they’ve hurt me. I know that horrendous feeling of guilt or pain knowing that I’ve hurt someone, never intentionally, but it’s a part of life. So if I tell someone they’ve hurt me, I suddenly feel that emotion, that weight of guilt. But I need to learn that it’s not my responsibility. I cannot be responsible for someone else’s reaction or feelings. If someone does wrong by me, and I need to raise that issue with them, what they do or feel next is NOT my responsibility.
And I wish that this was just an issue when I am with someone. But it’s not. I don’t need to be in the room. It can happen when I’m watching tv. A perfect example, and it’s absolutely ok if you laugh at what I say next, is when I was watch Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. If you haven’t seen it, there is a spoiler coming up and I won’t be held responsible for your reaction. So the volcano is erupting, and they manage to sneak onto the boat as the lava is engulfing the last of the island. And there on the dock is some dinosaurs that followed them down the mountain to the boat. Dinosaurs that didn’t make it onto the boat and the camera fucking stays watching them, the ones left behind, abandoned, as they too are engulfed by the lava. Now when I say I balled at this, I mean I was full on can’t catch my breath sobbing. Because suddenly my whole body was feeling the abandonment. I hurt, because I have felt abandoned, betrayed, neglected. And suddenly here I was, inconsolable, because I was feeling what I would have felt in the place of the dinosaurs – because I don’t know if dinosaurs feel that stuff. So now you can go ahead and laugh, but for me I had to change movies. THAT is the level of my empathy. That a fucking cgi dinosaur, on a fictitious island, with fictitious lava, absolutely broke me.
I guess a lot of the empathy I feel is based around feelings that I’ve experienced first hand. But that something totally make believe could break me like that, that I can pick up on what someone is feeling without them disclosing it in anyway. How does someone protect themselves from that? Well, it largely comes down to trying to maintain a level of disconnect. Trying to rationalise with my mind that these aren’t my feelings to feel – they are not my responsibility. Not allowing myself to be fully absorbed into whatever I am watching. And they all have one thing in common – I have to remain present. In the real life moment I am experiencing. I won’t lie I haven’t mastered this. I mean I am quite good at remaining present, this has come through years of practicing mindfulness, and I feel a really strong mind, body, soul connection. But it doesn’t always come easy. And it doesn’t always protect me from feeling what other people are feeling. Growing up I used dark humour to deflect, often in very inappropriate situations. Now I have more awareness and, while I still love dark humour, I also know when it is and isn’t appropriate. Maybe one day I’ll master the art of protecting myself from the weight that empathy on this level brings. For now, it’s definitely a work in progress, with regular failures. But that’s how we learn. When I master it I’ll let you know the secret.