I’m in a place of excitement and fear. It’s early days and I don’t know if this should be put into the world or not. You’ll know if you’re reading this.
But I feel like I need to get it out. But I’m scared of jinxing things or speaking too soon and having to backtrack. But I want to shout it from the rooftop.
I’m fine. I’m stiff, my sore, I’m every colour in the rainbow; but I’m fine. Absolutely fucking fine.
Aside from the operation sites, I feel better than I did before I had the vaccine.
In fact I feel so fine that I’m restless and bored already. Like I’m obviously exhausted, still taking morphine and having to lie down lots to support my head and neck. But if that wasn’t an issue I’d be up and about living life.
Like I almost feel like a fraud. I know it’s going to take time and rehab to work on my mobility and not be disabled and be ready to work again. Having 2.5 years stuck in bed does lasting damage that I can’t fix overnight. But I genuinely feel like a fraud because it’s gone.
My Hemicrania had been a maximum 4/10 since the op. Mostly it’s been a 1-2/10 so I haven’t noticed it at all as it’s been so insignificant. It’s a strange numb/achy feeling that is so minor it’s not a bother.
Yesterday was hectic. I had therapy at 11, then my dad came over for coffee straight after. Then Hannah and Ivor came to see me and we had lunch. Last night I barely slept, I’m sore and uncomfortable and just couldn’t switch off. Today I should feel like absolute shit. A day like yesterday should put me in bed for 2-7 days. Today I’m tired, I’m still sore and uncomfortable. I have a bit of a temperature and shivers which I’ll keep an eye on, but otherwise I’m fine. I have no consequences for all I did yesterday. That’s fucking unheard of.
But I don’t want to get too excited or attached to the idea that I’m now fine. It could be the morphine or the op site causing enough distraction that my body is just focusing on that. Or…I could be actually be fine.
So my mind is on overdrive. How the fuck to I restart life? How do I rehab? How to I get this do-over right? What do I do for work? Where shall I live? Where should I travel to first? How do I earn enough money to give me independence and freedom as soon as possible?
I lost absolutely everything because I became ill so how do I raise the funds to get my life started while I’m currently still a way of being able to work? How do I pay for help with rehab while the NHS are failing me in this area?
So few people get a chance to live again and be cured, how do I make sure I don’t waste this?
What does Chloe 2.0 want her life to look like and how does she achieve it?
And do I even out the undercut or just rock the 1/4 shave?