I am so weak right now, that’s the best way to describe how I feel. Sleep is non-restorative and reactions are wearing the rest of my body down rapidly. Now I understand what it is, and the dietitian sent me a great resource on MCAS that helped with this, I now understand what’s happening to my body and why I feel like I do right now.
It’s made so much make sense, I now know that, while foods are a big trigger, so are many other things – including stress.
I have one more meal to eat to complete my food diary with the dietitian so I can make an appointment to move forward. One more reaction to log and recover from. Then I’ll be eating nothing but chicken salads until my appointment so I can hopefully feel a lot less crappy.
A big source of stress for me, and it really is horrible to admit this, is Bella.
She’s getting worse. The increase in meds helped a little, but then they didn’t. She’s back to barking constantly, I can’t have people over, god forbid we try and have a conversation either. I get it, she can see we’re talking but she can’t hear it. I have to communicate with her by clicking my fingers and she only recognises a few commands now which I have to say sharp and loud while also giving hand signals. Not the signals you’re thinking but a finger up for sit, a flat palm for wait etc.
She’s anxious, scared and angry. Her behaviour is changing, some days she really is up in my face with her barking and stomping. She doesn’t mean it, it really is out of her control. I can’t get mad at her, I can’t punish her – she’s not doing anything wrong or not that she knows to be wrong anymore. She’s just losing her marbles and her manners, a natural progression of dementia.
But I don’t know what to do, and truth be told I’m really not ready to make *that* decision. I don’t think she is either, I don’t feel like she’s telling me she’s ready. Or maybe she is and all I’m hearing is the angry barking and demands of more food.
I’ve booked in with the vet for Friday, I don’t know what the outcome will be. Last time it was decided I’d basically tried it all, the only other medication would mean coming off the meds that slow the progression of her dementia. Putting her on calming meds only for this disease to rapidly get worse and take more from her doesn’t sit right with me. We’ll see what the vet suggests and hope that we aren’t *there*.
Bella’s birthday is on Wednesday, my baked bean turns 12, and that would be the worst birthday outcome ever.