I suppose I can do a little Christmas recap/update before the end of the year arrives.
Christmas Day was incredibly hard, the start of the big firsts without Bella. Since I lost her, I’d spent every day running from home. I’d kept myself busy and making plans to ensure I spent as little time there as possible. But, as you can probably guess, this took a toll. In fact, the repercussions hit me with such a thump that I found myself unable to run any longer.
Home felt wrong. The silence deafening, the spots where I should find Bella were cold and empty. Overnight I lost my purpose. The sole thing I’ve managed to maintain in spite of my health is caring for Bella’s every need. Bella was my purpose, and without her I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. And by not being honest I got to avoid facing the fact that I didn’t know what my role way anymore.
So I finally stopped and I was at home. It was terrible, but it certainly wasn’t comfortable. But slowly it got easier. Then Christmas Day came, 2 weeks since I said goodbye and the first big occasion without her. Also the first occasion I allowed anyone to bring their dog over, which I really struggled with. This day was horrible and fun, and full of joy and sadness. Anger too.
We ate a huge and delicious dinner. But the day was full of MCAS accidents. I didn’t realise just how much food has MSG in, including Pringles! I also learned pork is absolutely a trigger for me. I ended up mostly having a day full of varying reactions which carried through to the next few days. Needless to say I had to take much more than my maintenance dose of antihistamines and I’m back to a bland diet while my system recovers.
Tash and I also introduced our parents to cards against humanity and we learned we’re all pretty fucked up when it comes to our humour! And of course we spent time with Grandma and I had the privilege of feeding her Christmas dinner too.
But the days since have been much better Bella wise. I think I’m about ready to put Bella’s blanket somewhere safe, where it won’t lose her scent. Somewhere I can grab it when the pain comes, but where it won’t be a constant reminder of the empty space.
I’ve also reached out to a local rescue. I’d seen dog who I thought would be a wonderful fit, and she likely would be, but her foster has fallen in love and chosen to adopt. So I’ve let them know that I’m looking for a companion and the sort of dog I’m hoping to find. I’ll never replace Bella, she really was one in a million. But I can honour her by giving my love and a home to another like her because Bella taught me that everything is easier when you have a dog by your side.
I also went to extreme lengths to get myself a Christmas present which arrived yesterday. I bought a copy of Dog People by R M Drake. He was only doing a limited print which was only available in the states. So I signed up to MyUS which gave me a PO Box equivalent at a shipping facility, and they then sent it on to me. There are some hard to read parts, but there’s others that make me feel incredibly grateful for the love Bella shared with me and how lucky I was to receive that.
And here we are, over fed, exhausted, but somehow doing a little more okay than I have been. I hope you all had a wonderful celebration with your loved ones too.