Alas another year is coming to the end. This one has been difficult for many reasons, but of course there has also been light.
I think my biggest personal achievement this year has been taking on the safeguarding lead role with UKCVFamily. I could go on and on about how rewarding this role is, but I’ll simply say that the purpose this role has given me has been instrumental in my acceptance of my current situation. It also feels a little strange to say that I get a lot from helping our most vulnerable members, but I really do. I don’t believe hurt people, hurt people. I believe hurt people help people, and the entire team do that in spades.
With my health the biggest improvement has been the low histamine diet. The evidence of this working shows in my increased energy levels and finally seeing a small improvement in my Hemicrania Continua pain, alongside the implant. Of course current I feel like ass, but many reactions over the last few weeks is going to take some time to heal from!
This Christmas period has obviously been very difficult for me. It’s not been easy facing all the ‘firsts’ without Bella by my side. And Christmas day was the biggest of those firsts, and her absence was agonising. But I also know she’d have hated every second and been incredibly stressed. Except while eating her own Christmas dinner, where she’d have been very happy.
I don’t think it’s talked about enough, that time in your 30s where holidays feel very different. Where the changes in social life are more notable. For me, I’ve not felt festive. In fact I’ve felt very isolated. It’s that transition from having lots of festive social invites, parties and getting dressed up to none of it. I did some lovely Christmas baking with friends which I absolutely loved. But it’s that time in your 30s where things slow down for many. And friends have all built their own families now and it’s absolutely right that they should celebrate with them.
Tomorrow is NYE, I have no plans, no invites and just my mum to see in the NY with. Of course I love my mum, but we spend every evening together and she doesn’t care about NY. So it’s likely not going to feel any different to a normal night.
That’s made me feel quite sad, sad that when I finally reach a point where I’m not scared of the holidays and the ‘blues’ they bring, that suddenly there aren’t any special celebrations or gatherings. Equally, I know I’m incredibly limited and that has an effect too. I can’t party or dance, I can’t drink, I don’t have energy to waste on getting properly dressed up and I can barely stay awake past 9pm anymore. I also know that this impacts others without health conditions, those who have become parents, those who are working non-stop or having to move away from the people they know and love for affordable housing. It’s everywhere, this uncomfortable transition from the fun, carefree 20s to the slower, more sedentary 30s.
So really I’m sad that my health prohibits me planning special festive celebrations with friends. And of course I’m sad that at 31 the only person I have to spend NYE with is my mum. Again I love her dearly, she’s a rock and I wouldn’t be able to see anyone at all if it wasn’t for her helping daily with all the tasks I can’t do. But at 31 you expect to not be living like a 15yo. You expect a life partner, your own home where you can host celebrations and do what you like when you like. But you certainly don’t expect to be undateable, with your mum cooking your dinners and asking if you’ve remembered your meds and worrying when you use sharp knives and cook. It’s in no one’s life plan.
But here I am living that life. That’s really the hardest part, the lack of independence and feeling like a fucking child again. Of course I have no choice in the matter, I do require daily help and I certainly can’t afford my own place.
So there’s me, talking about the 30s transition which I don’t think is spoken about enough when so many are feeling it. But perhaps next year I’ll plan festive celebrations, especially low energy ones with all those I love. Maybe I’ll even push for a NYE gathering or a dinner before everyone goes off to celebrate with their partners and other friends.
I wouldn’t like to jinx it but maybe next year I’ll be well enough to even consider getting dressed up for an evening.
Whatever your plans are for NYE, I do hope it’s wonderful and you’re surrounded by all those you love and who love you in return. And I sincerely hope 2025 is a year of growth and positivity for everyone 🤍