Following from my last journal entry, I want to try something different. I want to try and work harder to acknowledge all the things I am, that aren’t “fat and vulnerable”.
I’ve always judged myself harshly, in a way I wouldn’t even consider judging others; in a way that I personally feel is despicable. I actively call people on judging people based on their physical features, so why oh why do I let my mind judge me that way?
That makes for an easy start. I’ve not always been the best human, I’ve made mistakes and hurt people, but from that I learned some heavy lessons. Now, I always try to be kind in every interaction and if I feel uneasy about something I’ve said or done then I address it with that person as soon as possible. A simple “I didn’t like how I spoke, I’m sorry and I’m going to do better”. If I know I’ve not handled something well, I will take accountability for it.
I love that I always assume the best in people and try not to judge them based on their worst day.
I respect others boundaries, I think that’s the absolute bare minimum everyone should do and so I’m always very conscious about not crossing lines.
During conversations, I sometimes catch myself trying to relate to something the other person has said. I know this isn’t helpful a lot of the time, so I try my best to correct myself and give people the space they need to talk. If I do this, then I actively redirect it back to their situation and remove my experiences from the discussion. I find it really triggering when others say things like “I totally know what you mean because….” Then the conversation is switched to them and the space I needed to talk is forgotten. But I try my hardest not to do this and correct it if I do notice I’ve done similar.
I am a people pleaser, and it’s always been a need of mine to try and help others. But I recognise, more so now, that it’s not always helpful or what that person needs. They also may not need my opinion but just the space to talk and feel heard. If I’m unsure, then I ask what they need from me in that moment so I don’t get it wrong.
Side note: a lot of these come to how I handle myself around other people, but since getting sick my interactions are much smaller and reduced. So I’m more conscious of these things now because I’m aware that the limited social interactions have had an effect on my social skills.
I like how, despite my regular masking, I am actually far more open and honest with those around me. And with anyone who asks questions. Like writing this blog, bearing my scars to anyone who reads these posts, because I spent my whole life hiding who I was to the point I didn’t have an identity or personality of my own. I’m really proud of the work I’ve done to get to know me and to get comfortable with letting others truly know me too, even if that still feels uncomfortable and scary at times.
I’m really proud of everything I’ve achieved in life, even when at the time I didn’t think I was accomplishing anything. Hindsight always comes too late, but I’m grateful it arrived and showed me just what incredible things I’ve been capable of at different stages of my life, including since getting sick.
I love that, no matter how hard things get and how frustrating life can be, I don’t give up. I mean I tried giving up once and something told me it wasn’t my time. I hold onto the relief I felt, and I’m really proud of myself for not letting those thoughts win since. Not just in that sense, walking is incredibly hard; it’s painful, exhausting and often unsafe. But I still walk; I haven’t given up on the idea that it’ll improve one day. I haven’t given up the idea of being able to work in some capacity or that maybe one day I might feel deserving of love.
I trust in my gut. My gut tells me that I will build a life that is fulfilling and full of love and joy, it just may not look like the old me imagined it and that’s ok.
My favourite part of me, is being Auntie Chlo. The fact that all the kids in my life love me and think I’m really cool. They certainly don’t see me as fat or vulnerable. They see me as fun, cuddly and a safe person to talk to. They might ask why I’m in a chair, but that’s quickly forgotten when they realise the joystick is in their reach and they can have a little ride-along.
I love the power of my writing. My English teachers would never believe that I enjoy writing, or that I write at all. But it’s powerful to me, and I’ve been told that it’s been powerful for others too. That means a lot to me, that these words on a page that usually take little thought, can actually mean something to others.
With the work I’ve done in therapy, I’m really proud of myself for learning to set boundaries. I’m still practising and I still get it wrong sometimes, but I’m trying and that’s a huge improvement to previous me who would always put others first, often to the detriment of myself and my needs and wants.
I really love my hair and my eyes. About the only thing I do for myself now is pay for a decent haircut at least once a year, because I now love the hair that I spent half my life resenting for being so big, unruly and heavy.
I’m really proud of myself for when I came out to my friends and family, who apparently all suspected I might be gay. I’m also really grateful for how they all received it, how they held my truth with gentle hands and how they let me come to the conclusion on my own. The old me, who didn’t know who she was, would have never had the courage to admit that part of me existed. In fact, she thought I might have been a danger to others because she didn’t understand her thoughts and wondered “is this how serial killers or predators think”. I feel really sad for her, that she spent so long fearing what she might become, because she just didn’t understand herself or her thoughts. Life could have been gentler if she only knew that she was bisexual and not the next Jeffrey Dahmer.
I really love how I appreciate the little things, especially now. How I run (waddle) as fast as I can to go and stand in torrential rain, bare foot. Or how I actually enjoy watching the bees collect pollen in the garden and how my heart melts when Riley gets so excited his tail spins in circles. I love how the breeze feels when I’m out in the fields.
I love how deeply I love. I love that I’m not afraid to tell people I love them or appreciate them at any opportunity because you just never know if there will be another opportunity. So I say it in the present moment, and don’t wait.
I love that I’ve chosen rescue dogs to live alongside me and accept me as their Velcro human. I love that Bella loved me for 12 long years, even when life slowed down for us. I love that Riley is forgiving of me on the days when I tell him off because I’m having a bad day – though he is still a twat who’s incredibly stubborn. But he’s my stubborn twat and he’s really happy now, especially compared to when he arrived. I gave them both homes full of love, where they could be valued, spoiled and happy.
I’m glad that I try to use my pain and my experiences to help others feel less alone. To feel lonely is one of the worst emotions, especially feeling alone with health concerns. I’m really glad I try to turn that into something positive.
I love that I can still laugh. When life is hard and complicated, it can be really easy to forget you’re still capable of having fun and laughing, that you still deserve those things. So I’m glad I’m quick to laugh.
I love that as I’m writing this, I’ll get halfway through a point and suddenly think of something else. I genuinely didn’t know I loved this much about me. It’s probably a good place to end this, or I think I’ll be using a lot of energy to think and type.
My friend told me to try affirmations and I genuinely think this has helped a lot. I’m not perfect; I make mistakes all the time, especially with myself. But I’m really trying to treat myself like I do others, it’s just the undoing 32 years of programming can be quite hard at times.
As for how frustrated I’ve been feeling, I know it’s normal. Sometimes it’s just a lot louder than I’d like, but it’s led me to do some really honest writing. I’m aware I’ve not been journaling as much, and that could be why things have gotten so heavy to carry on my own, but maybe I needed to reach that point so I’d let people in and start writing again.
Today is also my 5 year vaccine anniversary, so it feels really nice to shower myself with a little love on a day that can be quite triggering.